It hasn’t been a 100 days yet actually, but I can tell you right now I’m not a candidate for #bestmotherever. Since my last post, I have two new squishies in my life. A 6 lb 8 oz boy and a 5 lb 13 oz girl. And neither of them look like me. Awesome. How am I going to claim them as mine when I lose them at the State Fair?
I delivered over 13 lbs of baby. I don’t know how that happened. My uterus might be like one of those hats that magicians hold upside down, where they pull out a boy and then a girl and a bunny and an umbrella. After they pulled out the girl, I told them to stop…I can’t imagine being responsible for an umbrella.
So during the C-section, I’m laying down on a table and talking to my husband and my anesthesiologist and my OB/GYN. I’m asking weird questions like “How do you make an incision on the uterus without, you know, scoring a head in there?”…I assure you they thought about applying duct tape to my mouth. The anesthesiologist mentioned that the drugs might make me feel puke-y so I should let her know. After some more of my dumb questions, Dr. G announced “Baby A is a…. boy” and then two minutes later “Baby B is a… girl” and while all other new moms would burst into tears of joy, I took a deep breath and then a pause and said “i think i’m going to puke” (and you can’t just get up a vomit. You can only turn your head to the side and let it dribble down your cheek into a bag.) I don’t even know if I actually puked but I remember being concerned that I am greeting my children with vomit breath and a vomit-y cheeky glow. My babies must have sniffed me and thought “you canNOT be our mom…you don’t even look like us”. This is not how I imagined the biggest milestone of my life happening.
After the delivery, I met a really mean monster named Breastfeeding. OMIGOD. What a freaking nightmare. Anyone that says it’s beautiful or easy or wonderful is a liar. What the hell, moms? Why didn’t you warn me?? Breastfeeding is a giant sorority. All the cool moms are doing it. I even tried this thing suggested by a lactation consultant called “hand expression” which is what you might do to acne on your face, but instead it’s on a larger scale and it’s on your chest. Do you know what hand expression is to a 5 year old? Gross. You know what hand expression is to a 35 year old? Gross. Here, lactation lady. Let me show you a different hand expression.
Let’s talk diapers. Why? Because all I know is how to produce a massive tower of diapers from a diaper pail and all I talk about now is pee and poo. Yellow seedy, to be exact. As perfect of a machine the human body is, the infant stool must be a slight oversight of this perfect design and I’m waiting for a version 2.0 to be released. Debut version 1.0 requires me to wear an apron when I’m changing my son’s diaper to protect myself of the sprinkler system in his pants and to shield his projectile poo.
Now I’m bottle-feeding. Bottle feeding them. No, actually I’m bottle feeding too but I’m drinking a burgundy nectar from fermented grapes as opposed to Corn Syrup Solids from Similac. I’m so proud to be inaugurating my children to earth with Monsanto derivatives. #bestmotherever Marijuana is probably a more nutritious supplement. #leafygreens
As I’m bottle-feeding them simultaneously with my mad yoga skillz, I’ve got the TV on. (Again, adhering to the theme of #bestmotherever) I’m watching this thing called The Today Show. The Today Show is Cliff’s Notes for Life. It’s got music, news, cooking demos, style/fashion, weather, health, etc all packed neatly in a brown bag of one hour. And I don’t even have to read words. Perfect. HOWEVER who the hell is watching this show and how are they getting TV traffic at 9 am? Don’t people have jobs and kids to feed and classes to attend? I don’t understand how this show is on air when I am the only one watching. Okay, actually, it’s not just me watching. It’s me, all other new moms, and pole dancers.
15 minutes is all I have these days to make dinner and these days I don’t even have 15 consecutive minutes. Many people boast about their Chhole or Chickpea Curry. I’m one of them. Mine rocks. Mine is the best. This and my peanut butter jelly sandwich are my two signature dishes. Speaking of PB&J, Chhole is one of those simple staple dishes that “every good Indian girl” should know how to make. It’s so easy and effortless, that if served at a dinner party it’s criticized for being “too simple”.
There are a few tricks to this recipe that make it great.
- garam masala – if your garam masala only has 5 or 6 ingredients, it’s not good enough. It may be homemade, it may be authentic, but that doesn’t work for me because I preach the philosophy that more-is-better except for the number of annoying people in your life…then less is better. The one I buy has at least 10 ingredients, perhaps not all legal, and no home blend I’ve tried does this recipe justice.
- canned tomatoes – you’re welcome. I tried home-grown and other tomatoes, but canned makes it wonderful
- a food processor – this appliance rapidly cuts the onions into an almost granular texture that you can’t do by hand without going insane.
15-minute Chhole (Chana Masala)
Indian Spiced Chickpea Curry
1 Serrano pepper w/ seeds (chopped in 3 parts)
5 cloves garlic
1 yellow onion, halved and then quartered
1 Tablespoon grated ginger root
4 Tablespoons vegetable/canola oil
1 10-oz can Rotel (diced tomatoes)
1/4 teaspoon turmeric
1 teaspoon ground coriander
1 teaspoon ground cumin
chili powder to taste (if you need more heat)
1/2 teaspoon salt (or more, to taste)
1 teaspoon garam masala
1 15-oz can chickpeas (garbanzo beans)
1/4 cup chopped cilantro
Pulse Serrano pepper and garlic cloves through a food processor until they are finely cut. Scrape the edges of the processor work bowl and pulse again. Add onions to the food processor and pulse again until the onions are fine but not watery/mushy. Don’t wash the work bowl yet – you’ll need to use it again in a second.
Heat oil in a medium-sized pot on medium-high. Add onion-pepper mixture and grated ginger root. Saute until the onions soften and are clear. Don’t let the onions burn (add more oil if needed) Meanwhile, empty contents of rotel in the food processor and pulse until it is a soupy consistency.
Add turmeric, ground cumin, ground coriander, and chili powder to the onions and cook for 2 mins.
Add salt, tomato puree and cook for 3 mins.
Add chickpeas and garam masala. Simmer for 5 mins (up to 20 mins, if you have the time), covered.
Remove from heat. Just before serving, top w/ fresh chopped cilantro. If you like cilantro, please don’t skip this step! It makes a beautiful, fragrant finish!
Enjoy with brown or white rice. Personally, I prefer Jasmine rice, but traditionally it is served with Basmati rice.