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I took a field trip this past weekend and left my husband and kids unsupervised for a few hours.  I should have used my “me time” for “me things” like general grooming like a haircut, or a manicure or something, but instead I went to IKEA.  I went with a list of things I wanted to buy to Girl-ify my home office…like a fluffy pen or something.

I forgot what a time vacuum IKEA is.  I walked through the double doors and immediately ignored my list.  Ooh a FEJKA, for $2.99.  My office needs some fake foliage.  And of course I’m going to buy the SKURAR to go with it!  Duh.  I forgot how IKEA prefers to have all of their products one exclamation mark shy of yelling at you.  FEJKA! SKURAR!  It might have a stronger effect if I knew what the hell you were saying to me.

I decided to buy some curtains for the office – ones with a very girly purple print on it.  Of course I need to buy the rod to hang the curtains.  So I went scouting for the RACKA…or should i get the beefy-er HUGAD?  Talking like this, I’m starting to feel like a primate.  This is where I remembered to buy the VASENTLIG but forgot to buy the BETYDLIG to hang the rod.  Awesome.  Forgetting something at IKEA while you have 3-month-old twins at home is like living in a remote countryside house and forgetting to buy milk at the grocery store.  Except in the country you have cows as a backup.  I don’t have any cattle at home to crap some brackets for me.

I don’t want my home office screaming that I do tech support for a living,so  I need to find a box or something to stow away my ugly “princess Leia” headset.  Forget a box.  How about this BASTIS ass-end of a cat, as a hook?  With the fear of being confused for a crazy cat lady, I put it back in the bin.

Then I got to the kids section, which I was trying to pass through, while desperately trying to ignore the scent of the cinnamon rolls in the CAFETERIA.  But of course like a little puppy I got shiny-ball-syndrome and said oooh a LEKA playmat! for $19.99!   Ooh a little potty for when I toilet-train them next month.  I was inspired to buy lots of kid things for the future, like a big green polka dot bed tent!!!!!  Excuse me, is this available in a king size?  I’m not sure how I feel about my kids having a cooler room than me.  I may knock on their door in the middle of the night and say “i had a nightmare…can i sleep here?” [insert puppy dog eyes]

The best part of the trip is actually waiting in line, overhearing negotiations between tweens and parents and seeing all walks of life outfit their digs with modern accents, which is sure to become junk in 1.2 years.   For more entertainment, you can overhear some complaints at the customer service desk.  ”The fabric of this chair broke.  We need a replacement”.  Everyone should know that IKEA textiles are not designed for the 350 lb + fast food American.  If they did make a chair for you, it would be called a FRUNTBUTT and it wouldn’t cost $39.99. (Is that mean? I’m mean.)

If Grocery Stores were laid out like IKEA it would take me 85 minutes to buy BREAD.  And I would be BROKE.  Still, I enjoyed the break and some ‘me time’ and probably had more fun than if I went for HAIRCUT.

Now go make dinner and talk like ROBOT and make up words in capital letters.

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Download of the Week: The Kopecky Family Band – “Are You Listening”

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QUINOA Fried Rice

I know you. You’re that person that decided to buy a giant bag of Quinoa at Costco and you said “yeah i’m gonna cook quinoa like all the time!” and you haven’t done didley with it.  This recipe is a great way to get some protein in an Asian-style meal without tofu.

Ingredients:

1 cup white quinoa
2 Tablespoons grapeseed oil (or vegetable oil)
2 Tablespoon butter
3 eggs, whisked
1 cup diced carrots (about 2 carrots)
1 cup diced celery (about 3 ribs)
1-1/2 cup diced onion
2 Tablespoons minced ginger
1 Tablespoon minced garlic
2 cups diced baby bella (or cremini) mushrooms
2 cups broccoli florets (cut into small pcs)
3/4 cups diced bell pepper
3/4 cups frozen corn kernels
2 Tablespoons soy sauce
2 teaspoons hot (spicy) sesame oil or regular sesame oil
salt to taste
1/4 cup scallions

Directions:

1. Bring 2 cups of water to a rolling boil in a saucepan (over high heat).  Add quinoa and a few pinches of salt.   Lower heat to LOW, cover, and cook for 20 minutes. Remove from heat but keep covered.
2. Heat 2 Tablespoons of butter in a large wok over medium-high heat and then add whisked eggs.  Stir frequently until eggs are scrambled well and then transfer eggs into a small bowl.
3.  Heat 2 Tbsp oil in a large wok on medium high heat. Cook carrots, celery and onions for 2 mins, stirring frequently.
3. Add ginger and garlic and cook for another minute stirring frequently.
4. Add mushrooms, broccoli, bell pepper and corn and cook for 3 mins.
5. Add cooked quinoa, soy sauce, sesame oil, salt, and scrambled eggs. Stir well.
6. Remove from heat and garnish with scallions.
Notes:
The hot sesame oil just makes it spicier.  You can give it a kick by adding some Sriracha or any table chili condiment.  Even red pepper flakes will help!
You can add or substitute other veggies like sugar snap peas or bean sprouts or baby corn.
If you have Tamari (like a dark soy sauce) then substitute 1 Tablespoon of regular soy sauce for 1 Tablespoon of Tamari. Tamari will give the quinoa a deeper brown color.
Pair this with a cooling side dish: Asian Pickled Cucumber Salad